As not-quite performed by Poole Mummers.

Characters

• Father Christmas
• Beelzebub
• St George
• Valiant Soldier
• Turkish Knight
• Doctor

The Play

Father Christmas

In comes I, old Father Christmas.
Welcome in or welcome not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot.
Though I've but a short while here to stay I am come to show you pleasure, and to pass the time away.
I have been far, I have been near,
And now I come to bring you cheer.
But here comes one who’d blight this merry day,
Walk in Beelzebub, and clear the way.

[Enter Beelzebub]

Beelzebub

In comes I Beelzebub,
In my hand I carry a club.
In the other I carry a pan,
Don't you think I'm a funny old man?

Father Christmas

So now make room, and clear the floor,
For the most dreadful battle to be fought upon this shore.

Beelzebub

When that happens, I'll do very well,
I'll seize their souls and sizzle them in Hell.

Father Christmas

If you've cause to doubt what I do say,
Walk in Saint George, and boldly clear the way.

[Enter St George]

St George

In comes I, Saint George! A valiant man,
With naked sword, my shield in hand.
I fought the mighty dragon
And sent him to the slaughter,
And for this deed I won the hand
Of the King of Egypt's daughter.
I searched this world all round and round,
A man my equal, I've never found.

[Enter Valient Soldier]

Valient Soldier

In comes I, the Valiant Soldier,
Bold Slasher is my name.
Is there a man who dare to stand
Before me with naked sword in hand?

St George

Thou and I will a battle try.

Valient Soldier

If I conquer, thou must die.

[Fight. Valiant Soldier is slain]

St George

Is there any man would give me challenge?
Who should come forth, within the round
I'll see him cold upon the ground.

[Enter Turkish Knight]

Valient Soldier

In comes I, the Turkish Knight,
Just come from Turkish lands to fight
Saint George, that noble man of courage bold;
And if his blood runs hot
I'll quickly make it cold.

St George

My blood is hot as any fire,
Not cold as any clay,
And with my naked sword and spear,
I'll take thy life away.

[Fight. Turkish Knight is slain]

Again, my challenge I do sound;
Who should come forth, within the round
I'll see him cold upon the ground.

Father Christmas

Slay no more! St George, Please stay thy hand.
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise these dead men from the ground,
And have them for to stand;
To save them from Beelzebub
In good Queen Bess's land?

[Enter Doctor]

Doctor

Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise these dead men from the ground,
And have them for to stand;
And save them from Beelzebub
In good Queen Bess's land.

Father Christmas

What canst thou cure?

Doctor

I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout,
Pains within and pains without,
And if the devil is within,
I'll soon have him without.

Father Christmas

You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?

Doctor

O'er the hills and o'er the main,
Flanders, Portugal and Spain.
To Brownsea Island, and back again.
I have plaster and potions, poisons and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Bring me an old woman four score years and ten
Without a tooth in her head; I'll bring her young again.
I can cure your wife of a headache,
Your husband of a bellyache.
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.

Father Christmas

What is thy fee?

Doctor

Five hundred pounds it is my fee,
For a poor old man like thee.

Beelzebub

A thousand pounds to keep him away!

Doctor

By your poor appearance, I'd say you're not worth three.

[Beelzebub tries to solicit money, fails]

Father Christmas

I ain't got so much money as that.

Doctor

Don't run away, I'll settle for half.

Father Christmas

Try thy skill.

Doctor

I have this little bottle of elacampane
Just one drop for these dead men
Will give them life again.

[Gives drop to the slain, who rise]

St George

Arise, arise! You cowardly dogs!
See how upright you can stand.
I'll send you villains upon your knees
Back to your native lands.

Turkish Knight

[On bended knee]
Oh, pardon me, Saint George! Oh, pardon me, I crave;
If you pardon me this night, then I will be your slave.

St George

I never will pardon thee, Turkish Knight.
Therefore rise thou up off bended knee;
Draw thy sword, and we will fight.

Valiant Soldier

I crave no pardon of any man,
May the devil take me first.
I’ll fight you once again Saint George
This time, you’ll come off worst.

Father Christmas

Enough, enough! Please fight no more,
I bid you make your peace;
Fill your hearts with Christmas cheer,
And all your quarrels cease.
Lay down your swords, take up a glass
And let the toast go free:
May all men now as brothers stand
And drink health to the Company.

[All toast 'to the Company']

Christmas comes but once a year
And when it comes it brings good cheer;
Roast beef, plum pudding and mince pies
Who likes all these things better than I?

[Introduce any supernumeraries here]

Ladies and gentlemen, our play is ended,
Our tale is done, its life expended.

Beelzebub

Money I want, and money I crave
And if you don't give it, prepare for the grave.

Father Christmas

Put your hands in your pockets, and be of good cheer;
And fortune attend thee for all of the year.

[Beelzebub and Father Christmas go around collecting while all sing]

The End.